Hole in my chest 04/27/2017

This burning ache inside my chest
is burning hole within me.
Drilling deeper every minute every hour
slowly taking over me.

I cannot breathe, I cannot think
I feel like I am standing on the brink
I am tired of holding on,
and  tired of being strong.

The only one that can help this ache,
is the one who has caused it in the first place.

I should be patient and understanding,
but really I want to be selfish.
If I were to think of me only,
the pain might stop, but I would still be lonely

Lonely to the core,
lonely to my aching bones.

I lay in the dark wanting arms around me,
but instead the blanket, the same shade of night is all that holds me.
I want to end this hurt. I want this pain to stop.
So instead of telling you my pain, I write it out in vain.

Maybe if I type it up,
maybe it will be enough.
enough relief to ease the pain
enough to feel barely sane.

You may never read this, and it doesn't really matter.
For even if you ask how I feel my heart will still shatter.

For one who has come to depend on you, is hard enough to see.
and then to have it ripped away makes me long to be free.

I still love you so, and I cannot let you go.
I will remain, as is my choice.
I cannot see how to heal this ache,
Even though I have a voice.

A voice to be heard, a voice to share concerns.
A voice to express desire.
I will keep working right beside you and tend to my hearts desire.

The Earth Mother by Raina Jessup

04/11/2013 for Laura Love

Earth mother, Earth Mother You are stronger than you know
Hold tight to what is right as you grow.

Growing is hard, try as you might
You will shed some tears as you fight.

Do not mistake the role you play
You are important this very day.

The seeds that you plant
The seeds that you will reap you now will sow,
Your children my dear are part of your soul.

What is easy is not always right,
All I ask is don’t give up the fight.

The rain will stop and the flowers will grow.
You will find them not without, but within your soul.

So hold on to these moments as they pass,
These things you feel they will soon pass.

Ebb and flow, like the waning tide.
Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride. (Life)

Video Blog

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to give a quick update, that I have started posting video blogs on you tube. 

This is not the first video I have done, but this is the first one I have uploaded to Youtube.

Here is the link : 

https://youtu.be/1PIFU--L7oU 

I hope you find some of my video's useful, and educational. 

Love you all!

Raina

Thank you

The sun rise is captivating.

Many colors filling the world with hope.

Slowly changing, yet constant.

A source of comfort and stability.

The rays of light stretching out to warm the soul and wrap me in a warm embrace; chasing away the darkness.

Your face is like the morning sun.

Your words are like the morning sun.

You give hope into this sad heart of mine.

You are more amazing than what you give yourself credit for.

Thank you for your time

Thank you for all that you are.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Thank you for your words.

Thank you for your love.

Thank you

02/28/2017

Until I do not feel alone

02/28/2017

It’s the middle of the night. I have reached out.

I do not want to bother anyone.

I see you are online

I don’t want to be alone.

Everyone here is asleep.

Besides the music in my ear keeping me company

Only the thoughts keep running through my head.

Why can you not see how I am hurting?

Can you see that I am not ok?

I reached out. Do you not want me?

Can’t anyone hear me screaming inside.

Its so loud in my own head

My sobs rock my body

I am ok during the day. I feel broken.

Trying not to go back to my devices.

I keep telling myself I am going to make it through this

I just want someone to care enough to see.

See me, want me, hold me.

I am sorry I am broken

I am sorry I am depressed

I am sorry I exist

I can’t leave.

I can’t run

I can’t die.

Little small people depend on me.

Im sorry

So sorry.

Just hold me until the pain is gone. Until I don’t feel alone, until I know you care.

02/14/17 Romantic Love

When you fall in love, why does it make you lose your mind? Even when it is just starting, you feel like these thoughts and feelings will take over everything, every part of your being.

Your self-confidence is stripped and all you can think of is that other person. Question what you say, and how it will be perceived.  Takes this woman, who knows who she is, and what she wants and turns her into someone who can hardly complete a full sentence.

I never thought that I would hurt or could be hurt this time around. Why am I such a glut for punishment? I looked forward to all the fun, company, love, passion, compassion, understanding, friendship, loyalty; all of these things freely given and taken. However, two people with separate consciousness must make a point to share thoughts and feelings. That is the only way for others to completely know what is on another person’s heart and mind.

Right now, I am scared.

I feel like when I tell you how I am starting to feel for you that you start pulling away even harder. I don’t know how to trust what I am feeling, or how to trust what I see sometimes. When it is just you and I, I feel like things are amazing and that you are so into me, but then am I only wanting to see that? Is it really there? Am I just a distraction? Is it that my attention makes you feel good? Does it make you smile, and help you to be a better person? Are you learning to care for me, the way I am coming to care for you.

I know what I feel is growing and it is real. It scares the shit out of me because we have not known each other very long. There has been something about you that has drawn me toward you since I first saw your face.

Sink or swim, fly or crawl in a fetal position on the ground… I have to see where this goes. I am invested. I choose to be invested. 

I am scared to pursue you, but I am more afraid not to. 

The beginning of a Journey

Smoking.

Dirty, Disgusting, smelling, wonderful, addictive, stress relieving smoking.

I am currently a non smoker... wow just to be able to say that.. I am now a non smoker. 

As of the time of this post it is about an hour and a half from being a full 3 days since my last cigarette. I know many people try to quit many times and fail. I have even done that myself. I am not going to tell you it is easy, because its not.

I already take enough medication. So I chose not to go that route. I didn't use patches, gum, e cig, or a vape. Why prolong the nicotine addiction more than I needed to, and they wouldn't be able to replace cigarettes because they would never be a cigarette. 

What I do know is this. Quitting smoking IS worth it. 

I still crave them, but I have several good reasons not to give in to the urge.

I shall list some for you.

1) My children have been desperately begging me for over a year to stop. They are concerned for my health and I love them for it. 

2) It is bad for my health.

3) It can get expensive 

4) It can take up your time. Not just in smoking, but it is cheaper if you roll your own.

5) Unless your partner is a smoker, no one wants to kiss an ashtray. 

However, my biggest reason that finally got me to the point where I was ready is surgery. 

Smoking can cause problems with anesthesia, as well as causing many problems for healing after surgery. 

Ever since I hit puberty I was large. At 16 years old, weighting 130lbs, and in size 16 jeans I had a bra size of 32 DDD. I had a classmate ask me if they were real. *rolls eyes* Of course they are. Why would I stuff them. Even at 16 years old I was having back pain because they pulled so bad on my back.

There are so many reasons that large breasts can impede your daily functions. reaching, bending, lifting, pain. I intend to blog more on this in another post, so I will leave some of those things for later.

Smoking. Easier said than done.

The first 24 hours was excruciating for me.  I had mood swings every 5 minutes, extreme ones. We are talking one min I was my normal self, then laughing so hard I was crying, then literally sobbing and crying. It was horrible. It felt like it would never end. I had cravings that would be so strong that you felt physically compelled to comply as if someone was trying to take over your body. 

The second set of 24 hours found life more tolerable. I resisted the urge to apologize for my mood swings, as I knew that it really wasn't me being a problem, but a symptom of the nicotine leaving my body, and my brain going through a temper tantrum because it wasn't getting what it was used to. 

Cravings at this point could be rationalized away. No more just focusing on breathing in and out until the craving passed for every single one. Now I could talk my self through them. Yes you usually take a break to smoke outside.. You can still go outside. Listen to the birds, feel the wind. It can still be good. So I started adjusting my behavior and still found joy doing things. 

I do miss it a little, but now being just about 3 full days, The cravings are much smaller waves and come less often. 

If you have thought about quitting smoking, I encourage you to keep trying. It is worth it. You are worth it. 

"As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.""

-See source link for inspirational quote

Source Links:

Inspirational quotes: http://www.uky.edu/~eushe2/Pajares/OnFailingG.html

Smoking and the changes in the brain:

http://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/smokers-brains-change-in-response-to-high-levels-of-nicotine/

http://smoking.ygoy.com/effects-of-smoking-on-the-brain/

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/11/061128140728.htm

I Love you

By Raina Naomi Gardner

To have a friend when life gets you down
To have a friend who'll come around
To have a friend when you need someone close
To have a friend when you need them the most
A friend who'll stick by your side
A friend who doesn't care if your wrong or your right
A friend who takes care of you
A friend who'll laugh with you.
When you’re in love it's hard to compare
to the way life used to be
Because when you’re in love
the other person is all you ever see
You purpose and goal totally change
Inch by inch gain by gain
You strive to show how you feel
but not just the words but the actions make it real
To sum it all up
to tell you the truth
all I want to say
is I Love you in every way

Accepted

By Raina Naomi Gardner

To be accepted
That's what I want
But not by just anyone
It use to be
That I was a fool
But I had to learn the Golden Rule
Jesus Loves me
As everyone knows
and my soul no longer has a hole
I use to see
Things black and white
but now I know
It's not just wrong or right.

My Suicide

By Raina Naomi Gardner

You're here with me
yet I feel so alone
a silence in my heart
not a sound or a tone
I feel like crying
I want to die
Why do I have to feel
this way inside
Time drags by
each moment an eternity
noticing all I’ve got
but I feel uncertainty
A storm that is rising
deep in my soul
I fight my composure
To keep control
A stormy sea
inside of me
I feel so lost inside
my suicide.

Undercover Angels

By Raina Naomi Gardner

When the devil lies and steals
he's aware of it
When you feel down and out
they'll come about
Now I’ve learned
it's the small things
That lift you up
towards heaven
A new found friend, a baby's laugh
a little extra money when the money was spent
and children reading undercovers
A call from a friend to say "I care"
an unexpected job or a raise
and people helping one another
Undercover angels, Undercover angels
it may be a smile in a stranger's face
it may be a rainbow at the end of the day
I do believe its true
God sends undercover angels
to help you out.

We 

By Raina Naomi Gardner

You laugh at me you call me names
am I so different or am I to blame
I want to tell you who I am
Fuel for the fire I lit it then ran
Seasons come and seasons go
my personality goes to and fro
I know they are joking but can't they see
the pain that is there inside of me
Do they see or do they ignore
all the martyrs that came before
We try so hard and never fit in
maybe someday we will win
We're the ones who write the plays
we're the ones who count the days
We’re the ones who write the songs
we're the ones who won't play along
Say what you will say what you may
I know my talents I'll find my way.

Mixed Emotions

By Raina Naomi Gardner

Feelings and emotions trying your soul
flowing across you taking their toll.
You hang your head down and lift your head up.
Over and over makes you fed up.
Tears seeping down through invisible holes
Feels like everyone can see your soul.
You should have done this and you should have said that
But you know in your soul you can't take it back
No running now, no hiding at all
Anyone can see the tears as they fall
Falling like rain, yet harder than nails
A pit in your stomach, you feel like you've failed.
Wanting to share, it feels like a fight
When all you want is to make things all right
You want to give up, and you think you might
But you’re not alone, don't give up the fight.

Poetry

      In a time that seems far away from where I am now: I wrote a fair bit of poetry. I have decided to post my poetry here to try and preserve some of my work. It was written before I was ever married or had children.

     I have struggled my whole life with mental illness and physical disabilities. There might be more posts concerning this at a later date when I feel strong enough to share. In the mean time, in regards, to my poetry I will post the first one on this post. Each poem after that will be on it's own blog post.

The new me

By Raina Naomi Gardner

The new me is not hard to see
I smile I laugh, I came to be
You helped me see the inner me
you make me want to climb a tree
I know laughter I know pain
but in the end you remain
You have always been there
you always care
My life my soul in my new me
it’s not really new, just totally free